Red Foreman, The Hero

Everyone has those days where everything they touch or have touched seems to go wrong...Your pens run out of ink, You have cereal but no milk, and the project you have been communicating to your customers grows legs of its own because your supplier did not understand everything you were asking for! What is definite in this world is that if something has the potential to go wrong, it usually will not fall apart until you decide to leave the office or go onn vacation.

Let's face it, accidents happen and people make mistakes....However, when you are working with someone who perpetually makes the same mistakes over and over, it makes it difficult to be sympathetic to the fact that even though accidents happen this person is a complete moron. Let me make one thing clear before too much judgement is passed, I do not think everyone is an idiot and i do not think I am the smartest person in the world. That said, I believe Red Foreman, from the hit show "That 70's Show", characterized my thoughts best when he referred to people who posessed little or no sense as "Dumbass"! 

Red Foreman is my hero! Sure, he does not have many friends but he has a family who loves him, collegues who respect him, and some of the best damn war stories you will never be able to get on HBO! Red says what is on his mind and I cannot help but believe he goes to sleep every night with a clear mind. The truth is, Red would never be able to exist in the society we live in today. Today we are foreced to communicate through phone calls, E-mail, text messages, Twitter, Facebook, and intra office memorandums...Even with all of these communication tools, people still manage mess things up or worse they claim to have never been informed!

I am not obsessive compulsive about communicating but when it comes to businness, i communicate through phone calls and through E-mails. I begin with a phone call and follow-up with an E-mail, usually because the people I talk with over the phone are not good at listening! This routine i have for communicating happens regularly with the people i support as well as with my suppliers. Despite my routine efforts to clearly and repeatedly communicate, I am still met with blank expressions or worse, exceptions or modifications to the plans i put into motion. Another thing you need to know about me, i like my routines but I adapt to change rapidly and effectively, if the change is logical. When something does not make sense, i stand my ground annd even though i try to find the pat of least resistance, i will not compromise what is right for something else. Communication people.....The reason something is communicated is to educate parties involved, ensure success of the objective, and prevent failure in the event something does not go according to plan. In otherwords, i do not communicate for the sole purpose of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide!

Pay Attention People and ask yourself one question today, How did we get to the point to where it is acceptible to repeatedly make careless mistakes? 

Politically Correct? Who Cares?

Politically Correct? Who Cares?

I was having a conversation with someone at lunch today and the typical topics began to surface such as sports, politics, and work. Nothing out of the ordinary, but i noticed that someone was eaves dropping on our conversation! Keep in mind this is mainly small-talk, nothing to do with corporate secrets! I could not help but wonder why this lady was interested in our conversation, so I asked her "Would you like to pull a chair up to our table?" Direct confrontation has the tendency to take most people off guard and this was no exception. The woman responded, "I just could not help but hear you refer to that football player as a black man". Having had a pleasant lunch interrupted by this comment put me in a defensive position pretty fast and I was not in the mood to argue, nor did I have the time to educate the woman on restaurant etiquette. So i thought about it for a moment and I asked the woman another question "How would you describe me"? She seemed a little perplexed by this and responded "You are a middle aged white man who probably works in a professional environment". It was like shooting fish in a barrel, i asked the woman my last question "Now you don not hear me correcting your use of the word White, do you?". Her expression was priceless! She responded to my last inquiry by saying "I am not sure I understand what you mean", to which i responded, "You should not worry about other people being politically correct if you are not going to give your own mouth the same kind of attention"!

I think you can probably guess the woman promptly finished her lunch and walked out of the restaurant pacing a vengeful glance at me on the way out. The guy I was eating lunch with asked me "Why i did you feel it was necessary to confront the woman for listening inn on our conversation"? I simply responded "Calling her out for listening to our conversation is not what prompted the confrontation, it simply expedited what was already going to happen and it allowed us to enjoy the last 30 minutes of our lunch in peace"! 

People who look to inject themselves into the conversations of others will undoubtedly do so, and those people who want to find something to correct, will always find what they are looking for. The trick is to notice these scenarios before they happen and move these people along their way because if you do not, it will likely result in frustration, for everyone except the person who is looking for trouble. For those who want to find what is wrong with other people, stop and take a look at yourself. Are you setting a proper example. And lastly, Stop being so damn sensitive. If i stopped to tell everyone about the stupid shit they were doing, it would be my full-time job and I think Jeff Foxworthy does just fine calling people out!

Here are some last words to live by, "Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical progressive minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end." Remember that the next time you feel like correcting someone for saying something differently than how you would like to hear it.

Stupid People + Problems with Tech Support = Hulking Pissed Off Rage

For the mathematicians out there, complex variables can and do exist in real life, specifically in corporate America! I work in a world where the most complex variables are stupid people and tech support....To understand how these are variables you only need to look at how problems are created, or if problems are inherent you need to look at how the problem hit your desk. Conclusion, you solve for X or Y and you usually come up with one of two variables, Stupid People caused the problem, or Stupid People could not solve the problem, either way it is up to me to fix it!

Fortunately for the world, the emergencies that cross my desk do not come in the form of a human body and I do not work in an Emergency Room nor do I operate heavy machinery or surgical utensils! However, I do solve problems and I associate with people who are as equally talented at solving problems...Back on topic...This is a story about someone who solves problems...

It was a busy day yesterday and on top of the problems this "Problem Solver" is responsible for solving, he received a call from a Variable with a problem of their own! Apparently, a database that was designed and constructed by the Problem Solver was experiencing a problem. For this Problem Solver the wheels immediately start turning because it is an extremely busy day and last thing he needs is another Variable adding to the load. So the Problem Solver asks the Variable, "What seems to be the problem?", keep in mind the Problem Solver is a business and logic oriented person who happens to be very skilled at designing and building information systems, not a programmer. The Variable responds "I can't see the database on my screen", immediate the Problem Solver acknowledges that there is not a problem with the database but rather a problem with one of three possible things; 1)The Variable is not accessing the correct database, 2)The Variable is using an external monitor that is not turned on, or 3)The Variable is using an external monitor that is not plugged into the computer. The Problem Solver understands that the easiest solution should always be the first one to try so he asks Variable "Do you see a light on your external monitor?", Variable responds, "Yes". Problem Solver asks "What color is the light on the monitor?", Variable responds "Orange"...Problem Solver says "Plug in your monitor to the computer and you should be able to see the database"!!!!

The problem in this particular case was an interface issue of the most basic kind, the interface between the chair and the keyboard was faulty!!! If i need to explain it then you could be a Variable. The whole scenario for this Problem Solver was a complete waste of time and ultimately resulted in the Problem Solver going into a Hulking Pissed Off Rage because he had only reserved enough patience for the bullshit he was responsible for solving. Lesson to those Variables out there, Think before you Speak, Look before you Leap, and if you have a problem on a Monday Figure it out for Yourself!! Lesson to those Problem Solvers out there, We are utterly and completely outnumbered and the more patience you have with Variables is not indicative of how strong you are but rather a marker that your cup has yet to overflow. By the way, The world only changes and Variables begin to be Problem Solvers when the cup overflows!

Until next time, OUT!

What Does it Mean? "A Pirate's Life For Me"

When I tell people what I do, they often tell me that I must have one of the greatest jobs in the world! Obviously I'm not talking about taking hostages, making people walk the plank, and the other bad stuff associated with being a pirate. The truth is, they are right, I do have one of the best jobs in the world! I get to be creative, work with interesting people, and learn about how companies work inside and out.

OK, it doesn't sound as glamorous when worded like that...How about...I develop strategies, learn the weaknesses of people and corporations, and determine methods of discretely accomplishing tasks without anyone knowing about it! There are many names that can be associated with what i do, Captain Jack Sparrow or Jason Bourne. Regardless of what you call it, I figure things out and get things done!

So what have I accomplished? A simple question with a difficult answer.To understand what has been done you first need to know a little about what it is that I do.

Let's say that you have a remote control that controls everything in your life. This remote control allows you to pause, rewind, and speed life up. It allows you to record specific events into your memory and skip the parts of your life that you want to get through. The remote control comes in custom shapes and sizes, has back-lit buttons, and a battery that lasts forever! Even better, this remote control can be purchased just about anywhere for a low price, but unfortunately the product comes with batteries not included.

The batteries that operate the remote control can only be found in one place, "The Battery Store". Clearly this is a fictitious name, but for the sake of examples let's say the Battery Store is a modest corporation and the foremost expert on batteries that last forever. Everyone  who buys one of the remote controls must get their batteries at the Battery Store and since they are the only corporation that sells batteries that last forever, the prices for their product is outrageously high, $300 for a single battery. This is a problem for most people who want to own the remote control because in order to use the remote, you must use Battery Store batteries. Additionally, the Battery Store batteries are only sold at one of their five locations in New York City, Miami, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Denver. In other words, unless you live in one of these major cities or visit these cities often, even if you did have the money to buy one of these batteries you would not be able to access the product because you would physically need to be in one of these locations.

What a great scenario! We have a life remote control that can do anything that requires a battery that will last forever. Problem, the batteries are expensive and they can only be purchased at one of five locations. This is where I come in! I know that if i can secure some of the Battery Store batteries and put them in other stores, or on retail websites, that I will be meeting the needs of the people who cannot go to the stores to purchase the products. I also know that if i can figure out how to get the batteries for a price below the price of $300 I should be able to meet the needs of people who cannot otherwise afford the batteries. My first train of thought goes to Battery Store...The remotes are retailed everywhere, but the batteries are not...Are there any places where the products are sold together, perhaps to government agencies, national corporations for corporate retreats, or cruise-lines for people wanting to take vacation on the great blue ocean? Come to find out, the remote controls are sold with batteries included to corporations and organizations that plan on using the product as a service rather than selling the product for retail. I determine that most of the remote controls that are sold with batteries included are sold to hair salons and hospitals. The products are sold to hair salons to pause life and allow the stylist to complete the hair style, pedicure, and massage in less time. The products sold to the hospitals are used to pause, slow, and speed up procedures to allow doctors to perform surgery and speed up recovery.

Hospitals can be tough to get through so my way in to get the remote control with batteries included will be to go through the salons. Salons have regular turnover and every time someone leaves the salon they take one of the remotes with them. To help the salons, who are probably the largest account for remotes with batteries included, I decide to create a company who will buy the remote controls and hold the inventory for the salon. The benefit of the company I created is that i can reduce the number of remotes the salon needs to buy each year by half. The salon sees the opportunity of reducing their annual expenses by half and they jump on the opportunity! The company I created is now the sole distributor of remote controls with batteries included and since I am buying the products directly from the manufacturer, and reaping the benefits of the volume discounts of buying in bulk, I can secure the remotes with batteries included for $100 per unit. Now we have a solution to the problem that will allow everyone the opportunity to have a life remote control with a battery that last forever.....but how do i ensure my supply is protected? How do I make sure I am following all of the rules established by the manufacturer? If you had discovered a large fortune, you wouldn't just leave someone breadcrumbs or a map of how to get to your treasure would you?

You see, figuring out how to get the product is only part of the game. A good pirate knows that in order be the fastest boat in the water, you always need to have wind in your sails.... I will tell you more about protecting your treasure next time....