Government Shutdown, or Government Bullshit?

For some of us, when we were young, our parents taught us the value of a dollar! Most parents had their own method of teaching this, but almost all of them had the same end result, which was you can't spend $2 if you only have $1.

So the United States Government is undergoing a "partial" shutdown. This means that all non-essential government functions are being temporarily suspended so Congress and the President can work together to get the Country's spending under control. There are a lot of thoughts out there about who or what party is to blame, but it is clear why we are in this predicament. We are in the midst of a partial Government shutdown because the Harvard Business School, Yale, and Stanford graduates who are representing the American people in Washington have forgotten the value of a dollar! What is even worse is that they have all forgotten why they are in Washington! This is not about being Republican or being Democrat and this is not solely about healthcare. This shutdown is about selfishness and ego.

How can this be about selfishness and ego? Ask yourself one question, "How can people, educated at some of the finest institutions in the country, manage to spend trillions of dollars more than our country has in the bank, blame each other for the overspending, and try to work with the leader of the free world only to be met with a resounding "this is not negotiable"? The answer is selfishness and ego! Ask yourself another question, If the partial Government shutdown is not the result of selfishness and ego, why are the national monuments, memorials, and National Mall being barricaded to prevent people from walking through them"? Keep in mind these places are outdoor structures that require no maintenance, in-fact it took work to barricade these places! Check out the video http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Monuments-Mall-Could-Close-Tuesday--225874741.html

Websites are being shutdown, cameras are being turned off, memorials like the WWII Memorial are being barricaded and all because some selfish, egotistical people in Washington forgot the value of a dollar. They forgot the reason they were elected. You are all on notice! The legacy Congress and the President leave will not be one of hard work, it will not be that they rid the world of terror, that they stopped global warming, or that they stopped childhood hunger. The legacy this Congress and the President leaves behind is that the egos and selfishness of the few outweighs the needs of the many. The legacy they leave is that the American people are only needed for elections.

Our Country will survive this. It is what we do! You childish, selfish, pretentious, egotistical types in Washington just need to get out of the way!

Private Sector.....Out!

Red Foreman, The Hero

Everyone has those days where everything they touch or have touched seems to go wrong...Your pens run out of ink, You have cereal but no milk, and the project you have been communicating to your customers grows legs of its own because your supplier did not understand everything you were asking for! What is definite in this world is that if something has the potential to go wrong, it usually will not fall apart until you decide to leave the office or go onn vacation.

Let's face it, accidents happen and people make mistakes....However, when you are working with someone who perpetually makes the same mistakes over and over, it makes it difficult to be sympathetic to the fact that even though accidents happen this person is a complete moron. Let me make one thing clear before too much judgement is passed, I do not think everyone is an idiot and i do not think I am the smartest person in the world. That said, I believe Red Foreman, from the hit show "That 70's Show", characterized my thoughts best when he referred to people who posessed little or no sense as "Dumbass"! 

Red Foreman is my hero! Sure, he does not have many friends but he has a family who loves him, collegues who respect him, and some of the best damn war stories you will never be able to get on HBO! Red says what is on his mind and I cannot help but believe he goes to sleep every night with a clear mind. The truth is, Red would never be able to exist in the society we live in today. Today we are foreced to communicate through phone calls, E-mail, text messages, Twitter, Facebook, and intra office memorandums...Even with all of these communication tools, people still manage mess things up or worse they claim to have never been informed!

I am not obsessive compulsive about communicating but when it comes to businness, i communicate through phone calls and through E-mails. I begin with a phone call and follow-up with an E-mail, usually because the people I talk with over the phone are not good at listening! This routine i have for communicating happens regularly with the people i support as well as with my suppliers. Despite my routine efforts to clearly and repeatedly communicate, I am still met with blank expressions or worse, exceptions or modifications to the plans i put into motion. Another thing you need to know about me, i like my routines but I adapt to change rapidly and effectively, if the change is logical. When something does not make sense, i stand my ground annd even though i try to find the pat of least resistance, i will not compromise what is right for something else. Communication people.....The reason something is communicated is to educate parties involved, ensure success of the objective, and prevent failure in the event something does not go according to plan. In otherwords, i do not communicate for the sole purpose of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide!

Pay Attention People and ask yourself one question today, How did we get to the point to where it is acceptible to repeatedly make careless mistakes? 

Politically Correct? Who Cares?

Politically Correct? Who Cares?

I was having a conversation with someone at lunch today and the typical topics began to surface such as sports, politics, and work. Nothing out of the ordinary, but i noticed that someone was eaves dropping on our conversation! Keep in mind this is mainly small-talk, nothing to do with corporate secrets! I could not help but wonder why this lady was interested in our conversation, so I asked her "Would you like to pull a chair up to our table?" Direct confrontation has the tendency to take most people off guard and this was no exception. The woman responded, "I just could not help but hear you refer to that football player as a black man". Having had a pleasant lunch interrupted by this comment put me in a defensive position pretty fast and I was not in the mood to argue, nor did I have the time to educate the woman on restaurant etiquette. So i thought about it for a moment and I asked the woman another question "How would you describe me"? She seemed a little perplexed by this and responded "You are a middle aged white man who probably works in a professional environment". It was like shooting fish in a barrel, i asked the woman my last question "Now you don not hear me correcting your use of the word White, do you?". Her expression was priceless! She responded to my last inquiry by saying "I am not sure I understand what you mean", to which i responded, "You should not worry about other people being politically correct if you are not going to give your own mouth the same kind of attention"!

I think you can probably guess the woman promptly finished her lunch and walked out of the restaurant pacing a vengeful glance at me on the way out. The guy I was eating lunch with asked me "Why i did you feel it was necessary to confront the woman for listening inn on our conversation"? I simply responded "Calling her out for listening to our conversation is not what prompted the confrontation, it simply expedited what was already going to happen and it allowed us to enjoy the last 30 minutes of our lunch in peace"! 

People who look to inject themselves into the conversations of others will undoubtedly do so, and those people who want to find something to correct, will always find what they are looking for. The trick is to notice these scenarios before they happen and move these people along their way because if you do not, it will likely result in frustration, for everyone except the person who is looking for trouble. For those who want to find what is wrong with other people, stop and take a look at yourself. Are you setting a proper example. And lastly, Stop being so damn sensitive. If i stopped to tell everyone about the stupid shit they were doing, it would be my full-time job and I think Jeff Foxworthy does just fine calling people out!

Here are some last words to live by, "Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical progressive minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end." Remember that the next time you feel like correcting someone for saying something differently than how you would like to hear it.

Stupid People + Problems with Tech Support = Hulking Pissed Off Rage

For the mathematicians out there, complex variables can and do exist in real life, specifically in corporate America! I work in a world where the most complex variables are stupid people and tech support....To understand how these are variables you only need to look at how problems are created, or if problems are inherent you need to look at how the problem hit your desk. Conclusion, you solve for X or Y and you usually come up with one of two variables, Stupid People caused the problem, or Stupid People could not solve the problem, either way it is up to me to fix it!

Fortunately for the world, the emergencies that cross my desk do not come in the form of a human body and I do not work in an Emergency Room nor do I operate heavy machinery or surgical utensils! However, I do solve problems and I associate with people who are as equally talented at solving problems...Back on topic...This is a story about someone who solves problems...

It was a busy day yesterday and on top of the problems this "Problem Solver" is responsible for solving, he received a call from a Variable with a problem of their own! Apparently, a database that was designed and constructed by the Problem Solver was experiencing a problem. For this Problem Solver the wheels immediately start turning because it is an extremely busy day and last thing he needs is another Variable adding to the load. So the Problem Solver asks the Variable, "What seems to be the problem?", keep in mind the Problem Solver is a business and logic oriented person who happens to be very skilled at designing and building information systems, not a programmer. The Variable responds "I can't see the database on my screen", immediate the Problem Solver acknowledges that there is not a problem with the database but rather a problem with one of three possible things; 1)The Variable is not accessing the correct database, 2)The Variable is using an external monitor that is not turned on, or 3)The Variable is using an external monitor that is not plugged into the computer. The Problem Solver understands that the easiest solution should always be the first one to try so he asks Variable "Do you see a light on your external monitor?", Variable responds, "Yes". Problem Solver asks "What color is the light on the monitor?", Variable responds "Orange"...Problem Solver says "Plug in your monitor to the computer and you should be able to see the database"!!!!

The problem in this particular case was an interface issue of the most basic kind, the interface between the chair and the keyboard was faulty!!! If i need to explain it then you could be a Variable. The whole scenario for this Problem Solver was a complete waste of time and ultimately resulted in the Problem Solver going into a Hulking Pissed Off Rage because he had only reserved enough patience for the bullshit he was responsible for solving. Lesson to those Variables out there, Think before you Speak, Look before you Leap, and if you have a problem on a Monday Figure it out for Yourself!! Lesson to those Problem Solvers out there, We are utterly and completely outnumbered and the more patience you have with Variables is not indicative of how strong you are but rather a marker that your cup has yet to overflow. By the way, The world only changes and Variables begin to be Problem Solvers when the cup overflows!

Until next time, OUT!

What Does it Mean? "A Pirate's Life For Me"

When I tell people what I do, they often tell me that I must have one of the greatest jobs in the world! Obviously I'm not talking about taking hostages, making people walk the plank, and the other bad stuff associated with being a pirate. The truth is, they are right, I do have one of the best jobs in the world! I get to be creative, work with interesting people, and learn about how companies work inside and out.

OK, it doesn't sound as glamorous when worded like that...How about...I develop strategies, learn the weaknesses of people and corporations, and determine methods of discretely accomplishing tasks without anyone knowing about it! There are many names that can be associated with what i do, Captain Jack Sparrow or Jason Bourne. Regardless of what you call it, I figure things out and get things done!

So what have I accomplished? A simple question with a difficult answer.To understand what has been done you first need to know a little about what it is that I do.

Let's say that you have a remote control that controls everything in your life. This remote control allows you to pause, rewind, and speed life up. It allows you to record specific events into your memory and skip the parts of your life that you want to get through. The remote control comes in custom shapes and sizes, has back-lit buttons, and a battery that lasts forever! Even better, this remote control can be purchased just about anywhere for a low price, but unfortunately the product comes with batteries not included.

The batteries that operate the remote control can only be found in one place, "The Battery Store". Clearly this is a fictitious name, but for the sake of examples let's say the Battery Store is a modest corporation and the foremost expert on batteries that last forever. Everyone  who buys one of the remote controls must get their batteries at the Battery Store and since they are the only corporation that sells batteries that last forever, the prices for their product is outrageously high, $300 for a single battery. This is a problem for most people who want to own the remote control because in order to use the remote, you must use Battery Store batteries. Additionally, the Battery Store batteries are only sold at one of their five locations in New York City, Miami, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Denver. In other words, unless you live in one of these major cities or visit these cities often, even if you did have the money to buy one of these batteries you would not be able to access the product because you would physically need to be in one of these locations.

What a great scenario! We have a life remote control that can do anything that requires a battery that will last forever. Problem, the batteries are expensive and they can only be purchased at one of five locations. This is where I come in! I know that if i can secure some of the Battery Store batteries and put them in other stores, or on retail websites, that I will be meeting the needs of the people who cannot go to the stores to purchase the products. I also know that if i can figure out how to get the batteries for a price below the price of $300 I should be able to meet the needs of people who cannot otherwise afford the batteries. My first train of thought goes to Battery Store...The remotes are retailed everywhere, but the batteries are not...Are there any places where the products are sold together, perhaps to government agencies, national corporations for corporate retreats, or cruise-lines for people wanting to take vacation on the great blue ocean? Come to find out, the remote controls are sold with batteries included to corporations and organizations that plan on using the product as a service rather than selling the product for retail. I determine that most of the remote controls that are sold with batteries included are sold to hair salons and hospitals. The products are sold to hair salons to pause life and allow the stylist to complete the hair style, pedicure, and massage in less time. The products sold to the hospitals are used to pause, slow, and speed up procedures to allow doctors to perform surgery and speed up recovery.

Hospitals can be tough to get through so my way in to get the remote control with batteries included will be to go through the salons. Salons have regular turnover and every time someone leaves the salon they take one of the remotes with them. To help the salons, who are probably the largest account for remotes with batteries included, I decide to create a company who will buy the remote controls and hold the inventory for the salon. The benefit of the company I created is that i can reduce the number of remotes the salon needs to buy each year by half. The salon sees the opportunity of reducing their annual expenses by half and they jump on the opportunity! The company I created is now the sole distributor of remote controls with batteries included and since I am buying the products directly from the manufacturer, and reaping the benefits of the volume discounts of buying in bulk, I can secure the remotes with batteries included for $100 per unit. Now we have a solution to the problem that will allow everyone the opportunity to have a life remote control with a battery that last forever.....but how do i ensure my supply is protected? How do I make sure I am following all of the rules established by the manufacturer? If you had discovered a large fortune, you wouldn't just leave someone breadcrumbs or a map of how to get to your treasure would you?

You see, figuring out how to get the product is only part of the game. A good pirate knows that in order be the fastest boat in the water, you always need to have wind in your sails.... I will tell you more about protecting your treasure next time....

Are Rules Designed For Safety or To Piss You Off?

Some people plan things for weeks and some people plan things for years. Whether you are planning a wedding for 36 weeks or whether you are trying to forecast the future for a Fortune 500 company, it is never a pleasant experience when you know you have covered all of your angles and someone comes from left field to inform you that a person in Compliance created a new rule last week that you now need to follow. It is even less pleasant when the rule that Compliance created does not prevent or detect anything. It is just a rule for the sake of creating more job security for Compliance......WHAT?

The world has had people in Compliance as long as people could read and write. There is some actual value that can and has come from Compliance. Let's face it, no one really wants to have their shoes made by a five year-old and miners in the northeast should not need to risk their lives when they clock in at 5:00AM. However, when Compliance creates a rule that you need to pass paperwork from your left hand to your right hand they are just trying to create job security. Sad part is that rules cannot be created all on their own, Vice Presidents and Presidents need to approve these rules. Just think about that the next time you are following a specific rule at the park, at work, or in the classroom. These dumbasses do not have anything better to do than create rules that perpetuate the need for more rules! When the hell did this become a money making scheme? Let us ask Sarbanes and Oxley!

Ok, enough about Worldcom, Auther Anderson, and Enron...Let's be honest about a few things...People smoke cigarettes even though the can be harmful, people drive 45 mph in school zones, and YES, a government flunky sitting in nuclear rocket bunker in Kansas can actually hit the BIG RED button to fire off the nukes even though he did not read the manual! Why can't we just be capitalists, have fun, and make a little money while drinking cold Corona on the beach? Some structure is a good thing, but when the rules serve the purpose of creating overhead and expenses we should all see the writing on the wall. You people in Compliance should get out and drink more! You're pissing me off!

Starting the Day on the Right Foot

It's a figure of expression, the "Right Foot". But because I did not start my day on the right foot, my last post was more about philosophy than about real-life. I am now a few beers in!

When people ask me what I do for a living there are many ways to answer, but most of them sound shady or weird. It is much easier to say that I am a pirate searching for treasure with the intention of sharing the plunder with my customers! Anyway, the life of a pirate is filled with adrenaline, doubt, excitement and the occasional morning where someone feels the need to jump on your case before you have had your first cup of coffee. Normally, I would just brush this off, but seeing as how sleep was not in the cards last night, I was already on a short fuse!

Here is how the day starts, Gloria says "Why did you give Ted authorization to do XYZ? I have not reviewed blah blah blah." Not feeling well myself, I simply replied curiously, "I did?". The response was excellent, "Well, I have an E-mail from Ted with a TPS report and I did not authorize it, so why did you tell him it was OK when you know I am supposed to review the TPS report?" Still in the same frame of mind I reply "Did you read the E-mail and have you verified the TPS report because i have not authorized Ted to do anything". Here is where it gets interesting...Gloria concludes the conversation by saying "You don't need to use that attitude with me" and walks away without acknowledging that she started a confrontation simply by not reading an E-mail.

Needless to say, I was a little irritated at this scenario. I'm trying to take a sip of my coffee and it is interrupted by Gloria's accusations and her little rant about attitude. I couldn't just let that go. Even a pirate that has been drinking rum all day would feel compelled to cross blades with that one. So, knowing I was holding all the cards, I walked to Gloria's desk and asked "How did we get started on the wrong foot this morning"? I work with Gloria daily so it is important i clear the air so we can work. At this point Gloria was a little disoriented, probably because she is not accustom to direct confrontation. Gloria responds "Well you were talking to me with that attitude and ...." I had to interrupt and say "Do you remember the first thing you said to me this morning"? She thought for a minute and said "No". This is where having a photographic memory comes in handy! I responded "The first thing you said to me is "Why did you...." and you put me on the defensive position because you didn't read the information in your inbox. A piece of advice, If you want people to speak to you with a non-defensive attitude, it is probably better not to kick the day off my accusing someone of doing something that hasn't actually happened". BOOOOOOM!

That cleared the air and we worked well together for the rest of the day, but let that be a lesson to those of you out there who like to stir up trouble. If you want to stir up trouble with someone, don't do it with a non-morning-person before they have had their coffee. It takes a lot of effort for us to put up with your shit so the least you could do is let us get that cup of coffee or tea in our system before you start writing checks your body can't cash!

Problem Solver or Problem Causer?

You ever notice how some people, perhaps you or maybe a friend, seem to have an invisible connection to people, leadership, sports, or something like that allow them to understand and react to problems and obstacles with a kind of natural tendency? You have seen these people! They are the ones in the meeting rooms that speak up when there is actually something important to say and they are the athletes on the field that stay cool even when the other team appears to have the advantage. These are the people who think standing up, run when everyone else walks, and solves the problems while others wait for the problem to be solved. They are problem solvers!

Unfortunately, these problem solvers are not always the most valued assets on their team or in their chosen profession, in-fact they are often seen as obstacles themselves mainly by those who try to make their mark on the world by causing problems. You have also seen these people! These are the Directors of Special Projects, the second-baseman who can't throw to first base, and the Vice Presidents who have no direct reports.  These are the people who go through life with tunnel vision and whether through pedigree, politics, or birth-right still manage to rise up in the ranks of their professions.

Perhaps this a cynical perspective...but let's use a job like buying and selling merchandise at a large corporation to paint a picture. Inside a retail company there are Vice Presidents, Buyers, and Assistants. The Vice Presidents believe their buyers are the cream of the crop, the Buyers believe they know everything and their suppliers know nothing, and the Assistant are the only ones who really know what is going on because they read every piece of information that comes in through the E-mail inbox and answer every phone call. Sales for this company fail to meet the expectations of Wallstreet for five straight quarters all the while the Vice Presidents and the Buyers blame poor performance on the weather and the Assistants are looking for jobs outside of the company because they see the writing on the wall. For the sixth quarter in a row the company fails to meet sales and profit expectations and the company makes a public announcement that they are going through bankruptcy proceedings. The Vice Presidents and Buyers are surprised about this, but they refresh their resumes and send them out to the other retailers in the market who are more financially stable in the hopes that they will secure a job. Some of the Vice Presidents are fortunate and are able to secure jobs as Presidents and Vice Presidents of other companies, and it is the same story for the Buyers. Unfortunately the most of the Assistants were not as fortunate in finding jobs and some of them were laid-off prior to bankruptcy declaration so that some of the officers of the company could have a better severance package.

Keep a couple of things in mind, this company had problem solvers and problem causers. Also, the people with the ability to change and impact the company for better or for worse were the Vice Presidents and the Buyers. The people who had the ability to restore the company and didn't, either because they didn't know how or didn't want to listen to the people who did, were re-hired and in some cases promoted to the heads of other companies.

The moral of the story is that if you are really good at what you do, and have been in your position for more than two years, you are probably irreplaceable. If you have no clue what is going on, drink more than four cups of coffee a day, and talk more about golf and college football than you do about your job then you are probably a self-centered ass who steps over other people on your climb up the corporate ladder. Advice for new graduates entering the workforce, become an entrepreneur, run your own company and have a lot of fun doing it because the alternative is to fight your way into a great paying job where you are forced to work with people who bury their heads so far up their Vice President's ass that if the Vice President were to have a hemorrhoid operation your brown-nosing colleague would be decapitated!  Be a problem solver! You may be frustrated at times, but at the end of the day people need problem solvers, they don't need two assholes!

A Pirate's Life for Me

I often wonder if there is a specific purpose that we have in our lives. If there is, I am not sure what my purpose is, but I envy those who do!

To understand what I am writing about you first need to know a little about me! Not much to tell...I am an educated middle aged man with a diverse background in finance, accounting, information systems, and merchandising who enjoys learning new skills and meeting new people. In short, I am Jason Bourne!!

I have one of the greatest jobs in the world, but even a guy with a great job can have a tough day. My job is about relationships, understanding how people and companies work, and figuring out the best ways to leverage this knowledge to buy merchandise! OK, when worded like that it does not sound that exciting, but you will just need to trust me on this one! The job is a game of accomplishing objectives while at the same time dealing with people and obstacles who stand in the way. The truth is that things could be a lot more simple, but if it were simple, they would not need someone like me to do it.

Funny thing about where I work is that you are supposed to learn as much as you can, as fast as you can while retaining that knowledge. However, when you are really good at learning and retaining knowledge you will often hit a glass ceiling because you will find yourself in interviews, conversations, and evaluations where people on the other end of a table find themselves incapable of understanding how any one person could learn so much! WHAT? So you spend your career learning as much as you can and now you are labeled, without merit or cause, of not being able to know what you know simply because the person on the other side of the table lacks the mental fortitude to understand that there are people in this world who are actually smarter than they are!

So how would Jason Bourne handle this situation? Well, for starters he would probably not spend any longer than ten minutes talking with someone who knew less than he did, and since he can't even remember his own name the person on the other end of the table in this scenario would know less than that. Also, Jason Bourne would likely perform some martial arts followed by a couple of broken limbs because he cannot tolerate people who stand in his way, even though he does have a good heart! It is sometimes difficult to confront people like this, but at the end of the day your sanity will eventually require action, what kind of action is up to you, but let's be reasonable.

There will always be people in this world who want to help you out, stand in your way, or ride on the waves you make. If you are intelligent then take a careful and calculated look at the world you work in and live in and make a decision on how you can move forward. It is not easy to change and it is even harder to jump into dark and uncharted waters but that may end up being the only place you can find the fulfilling clarity you need to see your purpose in this life or at least find happiness. Unfortunately there are some of us who will struggle to find this happiness but don't give up on that fight. I don't know if Jason Bourne ever found happiness but I am sure he had a sense of fulfillment.

I want that sense of fulfillment and I want my family and friends to know it too. I am not sure what action I am going to take to achieve it but it is exciting the think about the prospect of starting something on my own. There are many ideas I have that are at arms reach and all I need to do is take those ideas and act. Afterall, the worst thing that could happen is that I will fail. I am going to become a pirate, sail the uncharted waters and maybe I will find some treasure along the way!